


Different Shades of You

by gin95



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Changkyun has an older brother, Changkyun's their next door neighbor, Color Association, Dark Humor, Hoon is a made up name, Implied/Referenced Bullying, Mentions of Suicide, Minor Character Death, Monsta x are Changkyun's neighbors, Multi, Multiple Suicide Attempts, Other, Platonic Relationships, Sad Changkyun, Strangers to Friends, Will to live, a lot of color metaphors, alternating pov, color references, colors represent the personalities, pediatrician Changkyun, really sad fic, suicide attempts are not explicit, they all live together except for Changkyun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:22:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24380485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gin95/pseuds/gin95
Summary: After Changkyun’s brother passes away, he’s lost the meaning of life. The happiness he knew, the smile that he always carried, gone within seconds and taken away from him, along with the person who understood him best. Knowing that he can’t live this way, he tries multiple ways to kill himself in order to join his brother in the after life and to finally end his misery. He had it all planned, the time, the date, the way he was going to do it. Even down to the last note. Except his new neighbors seem to have a rhythm of their own, bothering Changkyun every chance he gets too close to accomplishing his plan, as if they were mainly put on Earth to keep Changkyun from leaving it.
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Im Changkyun | I.M, Im Changkyun | I.M & Everyone, Im Changkyun | I.M/Everyone, Im Changkyun | I.M/Lee Hoseok | Wonho, Im Changkyun | I.M/Lee Jooheon, Im Changkyun | I.M/Lee Minhyuk, Im Changkyun | I.M/Monsta X Ensemble, Im Changkyun | I.M/Son Hyunwoo | Shownu, Im Changkyun | I.M/Yoo Kihyun, Monsta X Ensemble/Monsta X Ensemble
Comments: 25
Kudos: 190





	Different Shades of You

**Author's Note:**

> "Everything happens for a reason, just like this moment. I do believe that what you're dealing with will pass" -r.h Sin

Changkyun’s always been a man of black and white.

He thought very simply, wasn’t exactly great at one thing but wasn’t terrible at it either. People either liked him or they didn’t and that was okay. He accepted that he was who he was and that was good enough for him.

His brother, however, was a different story. He was all the color that Changkyun knew. Loving him came easy. Growing up without parents, one would think that it was his older brother who would be all grim and gloom but he always made sure that Changkyun’s life was happy by being happy himself. Hoon adored Changkyun and even though many people they’ve come across were scared of the younger, Hoon never made him feel that way. Instead, Hoon always made him feel loved and for the life of him, Changkyun didn’t know why Hoon tried so hard to make his life bright and happy. Changkyun’s personality was never that, and it was something that he’salways embraced. He knew too, that despite Hoon’s insistence on changing his ways, Hoon embraced it too.

Their parents died when Hoon was fifteen and Changkyun was only nine. While Changkyun remembered happy memories of his parents, he always considered Hoon to be his actual parental figure. Hoon made sure that Changkyun never missed out on being a kid even though he was a kid himself. He was there for every music recital, for every graduating ceremony, and for everything in between, Hoon made sure that Changkyun never missed out on having a parent, even if that parent was his older brother. They never had much, but they always had each other and that was enough.

Changkyun once remembered when he was around ten or eleven, that he had a nightmare about his parents and was shaking like a leaf. He was in between consciousness and couldn’t figure out what was real and what was a figment of his imagination. But he remembered vividly, his brother’s reassuring hand on his hair, patting him softly, telling him that he was safe, “Shhhh, Changkyunah. It’ll be alright. I’m here, Hoonie’s here. I’ll never leave you, I promise,” and after that night, Changkyun knew that everything was going to be alright.

Hoon’s charms were beyond belief, and it was one of the main reasons that people adored him. He had a way with words, always witty with a comeback but respectful when needed. A smile so bright, that it competed with the sun’s and a certain understanding that sometimes Changkyun thought he was borderline telepathic. Hoon’s always been a lover, not a fighter, and he always instilled that to Changkyun, even though the younger was more often than not, caught in one. It wasn’t his fault really, most people just couldn’t understand his aloof ways. Most of his classmates thought it was because he was just cold and didn’t want to be bothered but some thought that Changkyun believed he was better than anyone else. He didn’t. He just wanted to be left alone.

“They just don’t get you, Kyun,” Hoon once said after picking him up from another fight in high school.

Changkyun just nods, not saying anything. Sometimes, his brother let him wallow in his own silence, but most of the time, Hoon always knew how to cheer him back up. With a large chocolate milkshake that could give him brain freeze for hours.

After ordering the milkshake, Hoon ruffles his hair, “They don’t have to, you know? I do and you’ll meet the right people and they will too,”

Changkyun looks to his brother, with a little hope in his eyes, “You think so, hyung?”

Hoon nods, “Are you kidding me? You’re a great kid. Really smart, even funny, and hella bratty. Hell I feel bad for your future friends already,”

Changkyun shoves his brother playfully, with a small smile appearing on his face, “Shut up,”

“Ah, there’s the kid I know,” Hoon says as he pokes where his dimple would be if he smiled any wider, “But I promise, once you meet the right people, it will all fall into place. Just like me, they won’t care what you look like or how you act, they’d accept _and_ love you for who you are. Until that day, promise me that you’ll always try to welcome people who try to get to know you, however temporary,”

Changkyun promises.

Changkyun remembered a lot of his childhood, but it was all because of his older brother. But now, without him, he didn’t know what else to do.

It was an accident they said.

A truck ran a red light, trying to beat it so he could get to his destination faster, side-swiping Hoon’s car, while he was on his way to Changkyun’s small studio apartment. They were talking on the phone, planning their Hump Day Wednesday ritual. Every Wednesday, Hoon always made a plan to visit Changkyun even though it was about an hour away from his place. When asked why Wednesdays instead of the usual TGIF’s, Hoon just told Changkyun that sometimes the best day to celebrate together is one where you can look forward to the rest of the week. For Hoon, it was Wednesday.

All Changkyun remembered was a sudden gasp from the other line and some glass breaking. He even heard the sirens getting nearer as he shouted for his brother to answer the damn phone. He remembers his brother chuckling weakly, teasing Changkyun at how he’s never raised his voice once when he annoyed the hell out of him, but he’s doing it now on his last breath. Changkyun yelled at him to not talk that way because there was no way in hell he was dying.

“Don’t live your life in black and white, Changkyunah. Remember to try to live in color,” Hoon said and Changkyun could tell that he was basically sputtering and struggling to talk at this point.

Changkyun is yelling at his phone, “HYUNG! HYUNG! You promised to be here for Hump Day Wednesdays!”

_Silence_

Changkyun sobs, “You fucking promised me you were never gonna leave me,”

Changkyun finds himself hugging his knees close to his chest, sobbing loudly. He didn’t even know where his brother was or where he was lying, dying by himself. It was about half an hour later when he got the call from the hospital, letting him know that his brother, the only color in his life, has died.

Changkyun has never felt so alone.

Going through the funeral process was a bit of a blur. Being the responsible guy, Hoon already prepared for his untimely death just in case something like this happened so Changkyun wouldn’t have to worry much. He remembered that their parents left them a hefty saving, but Hoon only touched it when necessary, both him and Changkyun working for the actual money they have. Hoon always told him that once he earned his own money, there was no feeling like it because no one just gave it to you, but that you actually _worked_ for it.

Changkyun stares at the smiling portrait of his brother. His dumb brother who kept on insisting in driving an hour just to meet Changkyun for some dinner. His dumb brother who always smiled even if he just had his heart broken. His dumb brother who made embarrassing signs for every graduation ceremony. His dumb brother who promised to never leave him. His dumb brother who was gone.

Tears never came easy for Changkyun, he didn’t even cry at his parents funeral. Some people thought he was cold for not doing so, but Hoon always knew that he was hurting in his own way. Hoon was the only one who understood him and is probably the only one who ever will.

Changkyun looks away from the picture and tries to greet people the best he could, but how could he when he’s breaking apart himself? Hoon’s death was more hurtful than his parents combined and those were _two_ deaths. How does one outweigh the life of two others, Changkyun wondered. But he knew how. Hoon was his anchor, his best friend. And while he loved his parents, Hoon was the one who was there for Changkyun through it all, even when they were alive. If anyone ever asked how he was _really_ doing, he would’ve told them that he felt like a piece of him died as well.

Clearing out Hoon’s place was probably the hardest thing that Changkyun ever had to do. It was a lot harder than his master’s program and doctorate program combined. Hoon always found it funny that his little brother, who’s life never revolved around anyone and always found it a bother to be around people, grew up to be a pediatrician.

“I don’t know how you became a pediatrician when you’ve always hated kids,” Hoon said while they were out for lunch one weekend.

Changkyun looks at him and says, “I hated the kids that were my age growing up, hyung. Younger kids are a little different,”

“How so?”

Changkyun shrugs, “They’re so innocent, hyung. So full of life. You always told me I was too black and white, the kids give me the color that I need, you know? It keeps me from being in the darkness of reality or the whiteness of delusionality,”

Hoon smiles, “Is that even a word?”

“Don’t know, probably. It sounded right,”

Hoon ruffles his hair as Changkyun moves away, “I’m glad that you feel that way,”

Changkyun smiled. He never wanted to admit it but his profession of choice was mainly because of his older brother. The kids and the liveliness that they always seemed to have, no matter how exhausted or how angry they were always reminded him of Hoon. He wanted to be an older brother to the other kids. He wanted to be the Hoon to a Changkyun.

Walking around his apartment, Changkyun can feel its life deteriorate. It was as if it knew that its owner was gone. The window that the sun always seeped its warmth through now feels like it’s stinging on Changkyun’s skin. The once bright orange sofa now lost its color to a dull brownish tone. And the aura inside itself, just feels dimmed and lifeless. Much like Changkyun. Little by little, he went through his brother’s stuff, no matter how intimate or invasive it felt. Changkyun didn’t feel anything. Mainly just numb and lost. It wasn’t until he saw the picture by his brother’s bedside, that he finally felt his tears coming out. Changkyun thought it was silly of Hoon to have such a picture where he could be getting intimate with other people, but he also laughed at how it was just like Hoon to have it there. The picture was of the two of them at Changkyun’s college graduation after he finally finished his master’s degree. Hoon was smiling wide, looking like a proud papa while Changkyun just had his normal close lipped and dimpled smile, but anyone who knew Changkyun enough, would know that that smile was the happiest smile he could ever offer.

“I hate you, hyung,” Changkyun suddenly says to the empty room.

He sinks down to the floor, the emotions and the last few days finally taking a toll on him as he feels himself drowning in sleep. He had a nightmare that time, but unlike before, there was no one who patted his head and assured him that he would be there or that it would be all okay. It was the most restless night Changkyun has ever had since he was ten.

Walking back to his apartment with only a box of keepsakes from Hoon’s apartment, Changkyun sees a lot of boxes around the hallway. Some were marked, while some weren’t. Changkyun sets down his box of stuff before fishing out his keys. He must have been so out of his mind that the didn’t even pick the box up in the hallway and just went straight to his bed, crashing and lulling himself to sleep.

A knock wakes him up from his slumber. Changkyun looks at the time and groans. He was asleep for at least a couple of hours, there was no way he would ever sleep tonight. Changkyun yawns as he opens the door, stopping midway, with his mouth still open. He finds six guys on the other side, talking to each other, bickering more likely, about dinner it seems like. However, they stop once they see Changkyun answer the door.

“Hi!” The person in the middle said. He looked like he was about Changkyun height, although his build was very much bigger. He had very pale skin and if Changkyun had paid close enough attention, he would’ve seen the streaks of green in his raven black hair.

Changkyun doesn’t speak, he’s never been one to do so. The only people he’s ever gotten along with were either his patients or the older ladies in the building. There was no in between, sadly that mainly meant that he never got along with people who were in his age range.

“I’m Hoseok! We live next door?” Changkyun stays silent, “Um, okay. Well this box was in the hallway and we thought it was ours since all our boxes were there, and we took it by accident, we kinda peeked tho—” someone to his left jabs him lightly and Hoseok gives him a glare in return.

“Sorry, I’m rambling. I tend to do that with new people, but I think this belongs to you?” Hoseok finishes.

Changkyun looks down at the box and recognizes it. He grimaces for forgetting the one thing that he had left of his brother’s. Figures.

“Sorry, I—I’m not very good with strangers,” Changkyun finally says.

Hoseok waves him off, “No one is. But we’re your neighbors! It’s very nice to meet you,”

Changkyun can tell that the man was very enthusiastic and tends to ramble at any given time, but he couldn’t find it in himself to be annoyed. Changkyun reminded him of the color green. Changkyun always liked green, after all it was the main color of mother earth. But there was something to the color that was somewhat inviting and while it may not be as overpowering as other colors, green was still energetic on its own. Kind of like the man standing before him.

“Um, I’m Changkyun,”

Each one took their turn in introducing themselves. The shortest one was Kihyun, the other buff guy was Hyunwoo, the rib jabber is Minhyuk, the one who doesn’t look like he wants to be here is Hyungwon, and the majimbu look-alike was Jooheon. Changkyun tries to remember all their names, but it seems to be futile. He’ll make a note on his fridge, after all, his fridge and post it notes were the main reason he passed doctorate school so it must be a useful studying tool.

“Do you live alone Changkyunshi?” Jooheon asks.

Changkyun grimaces at the formality, “Please just call me Changkyun. I don’t think I’m that much older. And yes, I do,” Changkyun looks around and finally realizes just how many people there are to be living next door, “A-are you all my neighbors?”

Hoseok laughs. Really loud, as if it was the funniest thing he’s ever heard. Changkyun kind of smiles, he’s definitely a green.

“Yeah! I don’t know how big your apartment is but ours is a three bedroom, one bath. The bedrooms are all pretty good sizes so we bunk by twos,” Hoseok says enthusiastically.

Changkyun nods, he didn’t really need to know that information but he was grateful for it. Trying to figure out how six grown men would’ve fit in an apartment his size would’ve been a puzzle he didn’t want his brain to solve when he was trying to sleep.

There was a silence between them, and it was making Changkyun antsy. He was fidgeting with the end of his shirt, when Hoseok finally hands him the box.

Hoseok smiles, as if figuring out that Changkyun was a little uncomfortable at the sudden attention, “Here. We just wanted to introduce ourselves and give you back your stuff. Sorry again for taking it by mistake,”

“It’s okay, hyung. Thank you for returning it,”

The one to his left, Minhyuk, smiles, “You’re welcome Changkyunah,”

As he closes the door, Changkyun watches through his peephole to see his new neighbors, filing in their new apartment for the night, pushing each other playfully. It was then that Changkyun had missed Hoon the most.

* * *

Settling down and cooking for six people was never easy but somehow Kihyun always managed it. Hyunwoo and Hoseok sometimes helped but then food would never make it to the table as they like to ‘taste' everything, even down to the last drop. Minhyuk only talked too much to the point that Kihyun had no choice but to kick him out just to get the food done. Jooheon always whined too much for being nagged at. At least Hyungwon had the decency to even keep him company. Kihyun would never let the man cook. The almost fire of the summer of 2019 solidified that.

“He seems like a nice guy”

“Changkyun? Yeah, he’s better than our last neighbor, for sure,”

Hyungwon snorts, “Anyone’s better than that asshole. He had sex multiple times a _day_ and with _different_ women! Like who the fuck does that?”

Kihyun smiles, “He might’ve been a gigolo, Won,”

“Yeah, but he could’ve gone to a hotel or motel or whatever. The walls were too thin, Ki and you know that shit just scars you for life,” Hyungwon protests.

Changkyun did seem nice, a little aloof, but Kihyun could handle that. After all, Hyunwoo and Hyungwon were the same way. Maybe he just needs someone who’s patient enough to get to know him. But overall, he was already way ahead of their past neighbor.

The six of them have roomed together since college. Growing up together had its perks since they were a tight-knit group, they figured splitting rent six ways was a really good way to save money for the things they actually _wanted_ to buy.

“He’s kinda quiet,” Kihyun says.

Hyungwon quirks his eyebrow, “So? Hyunwoo hyung and I were the same way. It probably takes time to get to know him, you know? He doesn’t seem like the type to lay it all out,”

“Really? I kind of feel like his eyes won’t shut up,”

Kihyun looks behind him to see Minhyuk joining them in the conversation.

Hyungwon shrugs, “People like that take time to get to know, Min. And while his eyes might wanna say something, we can’t just barge in and demand his story,”

Minhyuk waves him off, “I think that’s the fun of it. Some people like it if you show a little interest in what or who they are,”

Kihyun shakes his head, “I don’t think he’s part of that _some_ statistics to be completely honest with you,”

Minhyuk hums as if Kihyun had a point. For Kihyun, the hardest thing in getting to know someone was that he didn’t like to talk unless the other person talked to him. For Minhyuk, he talks enough for three people that the other person won’t even have room to say something about _himself._ One thing was for certain, their younger neighbor certainly had a story to tell. What kind, Kihyun and his friends were willing to find out.

* * *

It has been a week since Hoon’s death and while Changkyun knew that the first year was the hardest, he didn’t know that everyday felt like he was being dragged down, as if someone was pulling him to the floor, buried six feet under. It was ironic that living actually felt like dying, but Changkyun couldn’t help it. Hoon was the main reason he lived, he was the person that Changkyun looked out to. Without him, Changkyun had no purpose, no hope to even continue. He scoffs at the thought, knowing that Hoon would smack the back of his head just for giving up.

_Remember to try to live in color_

“Fuck your color theories, hyung,” Changkyun scoffs at the picture that he took from his brother’s place, now placed on his own bedside. He looks at it now and instead of sadness, he just feels numb. Empty. He taps the picture a couple of times, as if willing his hyung to come out of it and says, “I miss you, hyung,”

Changkyun looks up and tries to really see the good but all he could see was the bad. He was given a couple of weeks for grieving but it didn’t seem like it was enough. What was grieving gonna do? It was not gonna bring his brother back no matter how much tears he produced. Everyday was hard, especially Wednesdays. It reminded him of what he had. He almost expects his brother to call him about their regular dinner hangouts and how Changkyun just needed to buy the beer since he was bringing the food. He misses Hoon’s carefree smile and his teasing tone about Changkyun’s secretary and her not-so-secret crush on the young doctor. He misses his laughter, which is kind of funny since he’s always found it annoying at how distinct and loud it could be. Changkyun used to tease him that his laughter had so much life that there was probably a tree growing somewhere.

He didn’t want to spread the ashes, but he figured he could grow a tree from it since they’ve always joked about it. Hoon always liked nature and there was a park nearby that they always frequented. Planning it out and actually doing it though were two completely different ideas. As Changkyun continues to look up, he makes an observation that his ceilings were actually quite high. Before he could properly think, he gets a chair and knocks on it, trying to see if it would break just from a simple tap. Changkyun smiles. He doesn’t have a lot of tools since he never really bothered to buy any, but he has to buy some for his plan to work. Without Hoon and without hope itself, Changkyun had no reason to live. His plan was simple. He was going to kill himself.

If someone had asked Changkyun about the concept of suicide, he would’ve grimaced at the thought. Death by a gun? Death by cuts? Death by anything was just not a light conversation piece he was willing to explore. But as days go by, Changkyun finds it harder and harder for his will to live. He gave it a couple of days to really go through with the thought, even making a pros and cons list along with some notes of how to successfully do it in case the main plan didn’t work out. In his opinion, there were three ways that he could, by hanging, cutting, or ingesting. Cutting was too messy and too bloody, he wouldn’t want it on anyone to be cleaning it up. Ingesting might take too much time if he was completely honest, and he was never really fond of pills. Hanging seemed like the more plausible way, after all, fifty-three percent of the male population died from it. Changkyun could live with being part of that percentile.

The next few days consisted of Changkyun trying to plan everything to the last detail. He has a storage unit where he’s stored his brother’s possessions and he could probably fit his stuff in there too, after all, he didn’t really have much worth keeping. Maybe after a couple of years, the owner of the storage unit will clean it out himself, making the possessions nothing but just a memory. Changkyun often finds himself staring at the ceiling, trying to find the best place to drill a hole for the hook to go on. He was able to find and buy the tools he needed, without much questioning from the already bored cashier. He was at peace with this idea even though he knew his brother’s probably cursing at him right now.

When he gets home, he hears some shouting from his neighbors and he shakes his head. He didn’t know the six men very well but anyone with an eye could tell how rambunctious the bunch could be. Changkyun had found it interesting, actually. How did they meet? Why are they all bunking together? What is it that keeps them together? Changkyun always wondered, but never really cared because he was never one to have a big group of friends. It was actually pathetic that his only friend that stuck around was his brother. Sometimes, Changkyun didn’t even know why Hoon tried so hard either.

He picks up the drill, which was actually much more expensive than Changkyun has planned for, takes the hook, stands up on a chair, and starts drilling. At first there was what sounded like a knock on his door, but Changkyun shrugs it off, thinking that it was just a noise he made when drilling the ceiling. Another round of knocking and Changkyun stops drilling, just to make sure that it really wasn’t him.

_Knock knock knock_

He was going to ignore it but the knocks sounded urgent, so Changkyun steps off the chair and puts away his tools. He goes to his door and opens it, ready to glare at the person behind it. But he couldn’t find himself to do so, when he sees two of his neighbors on the other side.

“Hyung,”

“Kyun, hi!” Minhyuk waves at him. Changkyun has only spoken to Minhyuk a couple of times when he was coming home from work, but he knew the elder adored talking to other people. Where Hoseok was green, Minhyuk was orange. He reminded Changkyun of the sunset. Warm, inviting, yet his presence still so commanding. He wasn’t exactly overpowering either, but Changkyun liked that about him, Minhyuk was muted, but yet demanded attention.

Changkyun smiles, “Um, can I help you with something?”

Hoseok nods, “Yeah, can you be our tie breaker?”

Changkyun tilts his head, confused as to what they were talking about.

“The six of us have gotten caught up in a taste test! Kihyun and Hyunwoo hyung both made cakes to decide who’s done it best. I liked Kihyun’s and so does Jooheon, but Hoseok hyung and Hyungwon likes Hyunwoo hyung’s better,” he points at Changkyun, “hence why we need a tie breaker!”

Changkyun looks back to his apartment, trying to come up with an excuse so he could get the drilling done. He still had a lot of things to take care of before he dies, but he couldn’t really tell his neighbors, _hey I’m planning my death… raincheck?_ Before he could even make up an excuse, Hoseok takes both of his hands, pleading the younger with his eyes. Changkyun sighs, working with kids had made his heart soft. He could never say no to puppy dog eyes. Hoon told him he was a hypocrite since Changkyun always used his whenever he wanted a milkshake.

“Okay. Let me just get my keys,” Changkyun said

Minhyuk claps and hugs the younger, catching him off-guard, squealing out a thank you. Changkyun just nods, a little bit lost at the warmth that was provided by the older.

“We have a tie-breaker!”

Kihyun quirks his eyebrow to ask who Minhyuk had found when Changkyun shyly appears in their kitchen. Kihyun smiles and thanks the younger for sparing them his time.

Hyunwoo just smiles, “You know it wasn’t that big a deal, Minhyukah,”

Minhyuk shakes his head, “Nonono, this is important! We have a whole week of dessert riding on this,”

Changkyun looks at Minhyuk, trying to keep his laughter inside. So a week of dessert was the bet for whoever wins this? That didn’t seem to be too bad.

“I can feel you judging us, Changkyunah. Feeding six people is really expensive,” Jooheon shrugs, “so anytime you get a free meal, you take it by the horn!”

“Even if it’s just dessert?”

“Even just dessert,”

Changkyun looks at the rest to see them all agreeing to Jooheon’s comment. He just sighs, “Lay it on me,”

Jooheon smiles and pats his back, making room for him on the table. He sees a blue plate and a red plate laid in front of him, both with chocolate cake. At first glance, Changkyun sees that they both look the same, but tasting it, was what made it different. The blue plate was a chocolate cake with mascarpone mousse and fresh blackberries, finished with chocolate ganache frosting. It tasted really good, the tanginess of the fruit brings out the sweetness of the chocolate. The red plate was a dark chocolate cake with mocha mascarpone, without any fruit. It was a little richer than the other but also tasted very good.

“Who’s plate is whose?” Changkyun asks after tasting each cake.

Hyungwon shakes his head, “Nuh-uh, you can’t be biased. For all we know you might end up choosing a cake based on who you like best,”

Changkyun smiles, “I don’t know you guys well enough for that but like both of them,”

_“But?”_

“ _But…_ I like the blue plate better, with the berries,” Changkyun decides.

Hyungwon and Hoseok high five each other, pumping their hands in the air, “Ah hah! We won!”

Hyunwoo smiles at the scene, thanking Changkyun for choosing his cake. Changkyun kind of feels bad because he sees Kihyun a little sad at his decision, but Hoseok hugs him, “Thanks Changkyunah. I always lose at these, so thank you for breaking my bad streak,”

Changkyun melts at the hug even though he’s kept his hands on his sides, a little awkward at showing affection.

“I’m sad you didn’t pick my side Changkyunah,” Minhyuk pouts.

“Sorry, hyung,”

Kihyun waves him off, “It’s okay, at least you liked my cake, _even_ if you liked Hyunwoo hyung’s better,”

“Yeah. We’ll even buy you a free dessert for a week since we made you a part of this,” Jooheon ruffles his hair. It reminded Changkyun of how Hoon used to do it and how it made him feel safe.

Hoseok furrows his eyebrows, “Are you okay?”

Changkyun looks up in confusion.

“You’re crying dude,” Jooheon says.

Changkyun touches his face and sees that he is indeed crying. He starts to apologize, but Minhyuk just hugs him again, telling him that it was okay and that they weren’t judging him or anything. Changkyun lets the warmth of the hug overcome him, clutching at Minhyuk’s shirt instead of keeping his arms at his side like before and just nods. He didn’t know how long it’s been since someone genuinely told him that it will be okay, and for some reason, it felt nice being in Minhyuk’s arms and being surrounded by other people who gave him assurance that while it may not be okay now, that it will be okay later.

When Changkyun heads home, Hyungwon finds Hyunwoo sitting on the sofa, seemingly to be in deep thought. Hyungwon nudges the elder, who just smiles at him in return.

“I’m worried about him, hyung,”

“I think we all are, Hyungwonah,”

Hyungwon nods, “Minhyuk wants to start having him over for dinner. He said something about not wanting to leave the puppy by himself for too long,”

Hyunwoo snorts, “He thinks Changkyun’s a puppy?”

“Pfft, yeah. I personally think he was more of a cat,”

Hyunwoo hums in agreement, “Do you know why he cried today?”

Hyungwon shakes his head, “Not really, no. I asked the lady upstairs when I ran into her yesterday in the elevator, but she just looked sad and told me that he was a nice kid,”

“Yeah. I didn’t talk to any other tenants, but the ones that Minhyuk talked to said the same thing, minus the looking sad part,” Hyunwoo brushes his hair off his face, “They said that he kept mainly to himself, except when his brother was around,”

“Brother?”

Hyunwoo nods, “Yeah. They said that he came by every Wednesday and that it was the only time they saw Changkyun actually talk or look somewhat alive,”

Hyungwon looks at the door, as if trying to sense what their neighbor was currently doing. He didn’t know of a brother, but maybe if he comes by this week, Hyungwon could ask him about the younger, since Changkyun didn’t seem like the type who likes to talk about himself. Hyungwon also noticed that the boy didn’t like to talk much in general, just answering questions when needed. He looked a little cold but Hyungwon could sense that Changkyun actually radiated warmth, anyone with eyes could see that, but for some reason there was something that Hyungwon couldn’t figure out about Changkyun. What, he didn’t know. Hyungwon turns to find Hyunwoo in deep thought, as if he was also thinking and asking the same questions as Hyungwon.

* * *

Changkyun didn’t know what came over him and why he started crying all of a sudden. But the warmth of his new neighbors was something he couldn’t explain. It’s already been a month, and people always say that even though the person dies, their memories still stay with you, blah blah blah. Changkyun wanted to believe that it was all going to get better but then another Wednesday rolls around and Changkyun’s back to square one. He’s had another doctor cover his shift on Wednesdays since he didn’t want to be a burden to the kids. His superior was against it at first, but he came to understand once Changkyun had explained.

As he looks at his work, with the hook securely placed, Changkyun moves to the rope next. He was told by the worker at the tool shop that this rope was the strongest one, if tied correctly. Changkyun looked at over a million videos to make the perfect knot, and after a couple of practices, he was able to make a decent one. He’s tugged at it almost everyday just to make sure that it’ll hold. Once he’s gotten that preparation done, he had to figure out the date and the time to do so. He figured that he’d do it on a Wednesday, it seemed kind of fitting since it was the day that used to make him so happy. As for the time, he figured after dinner, maybe when everyone seems to be asleep, there was no need to bother the others when he’s just trying to take his life anyway.

He’s already packed most of his important possessions and kept them in the storage that is currently holding his brother’s as well. He made sure to order himself a nice last meal, Kobe beef from the place nearby that he wanted to take his brother to but never had the chance to do so. He’s already written his letter, keeping it short and to the point, without having enough emotions so whoever reads it doesn’t have to get too emotional. The last thing Changkyun needed was for someone he didn’t know to cry over his found body.

As Wednesday loomed around, Changkyun made sure to hug all his patients, as if he was telling them goodbye without actually doing so. He smiled at his co-workers even though some found it a little unnerving because he’s never done so beforehand. He takes one look around and takes it all in, even dropping off some homemade cookies for his newly acquired neighbors. It was his brother’s recipe that he made sure to teach Changkyun. He always used to say, “Cookies are a good way to bribe yourself into people’s hearts,” Changkyun would laugh at him for saying such ridiculous things, but he had to agree. As he eats his last meal and makes peace with his plan, he looks back at the picture that he took from Hoon’s place and smiles.

“I’ll see you soon, hyung.”

With that, Changkyun goes to his living room, climbs on a chair, puts his head on the noose, and takes a deep breath. He kicks the chair away and closes his eyes, feeling the rope tightening around his neck, slowly sucking the air out of him.

He flashes back to the time where his brother took him out for his first milkshake. Sure, it was mainly a bribe, so Changkyun would talk to him as to why he had a black eye, but Changkyun knew that Hoon wouldn’t pressure him into talking if he didn’t want to. They sat at the park, sipping their shake, not saying anything.

“I think you could’ve taken him, Kyun,”

Changkyun looks over at his brother and tries not to laugh at his poor attempt for making conversation.

“I really think so. I mean look at them eyes. Piercing as hell. If looks could kill, you would’ve killed a lot already,” Hoon smiles at him.

Changkyun rolls his eyes and shakes his head, “I don’t like to fight, hyung,”

“I raised you right. But sometimes, a little kick here or there never hurts anybody,”

Changkyun nods, “Noted. Next time, I’ll kick them in the balls and give them an uppercut,”

Hoon pushes him away, “Brat.”

It must’ve been an eternity when Changkyun opens his eyes again. He tries to look around to see if Hoon was somewhere waiting for him, but all he sees is his living room. He lies there, on his back, trying to figure out what the hell went wrong and why his back was hurting like hell, when he reaches up to his neck to find the rope, frayed and snapped into two.

He sighs. Figures, dying wouldn’t be that easy. Changkyun closes his eyes and tries to fall asleep on the cold floor when he hears a knock. He tries to ignore it, but he knew that with one knock comes another multiple ones.

He gets up to open the door, and finds Hyunwoo on the other side, holding a Tupperware that he gave them the cookies in.

He sighs, “Hey hyung,”

Hyunwoo smiles, “Hey Kyun,” he thrusts he container towards him, “I just came by to drop this off. Thank you for the cookies, they were really good,”

Changkyun nods and takes the container, “Yeah, I’m glad you liked them,”

“You don’t owe us dessert you know? It’s actually us who has to buy you some because of that bet,”

Changkyun just nods again without saying anything. Hyunwoo seems to sense that something was wrong but he was never one to pry. Instead of asking what was wrong, Hyunwoo tries to invite Changkyun for dinner.

Changkyun shakes his head, “I already ate, hyung,” and tries to close the door. He really wasn’t good company right now. It was Wednesday and his plan didn’t work out. It just turned out to be a shitty day, and come to think of it, he has to go to work tomorrow and paste on a smile like he’s been doing the past few weeks just to fly under the ‘I am okay’ radar.

Before the door fully closes though, Hyunwoo lodges his feet in between. Changkyun opens it up again and looks at the elder in confusion, “Sorry. It’s just that—the others are gone, they had meetings and other things to do and I never liked eating by myself,”

Changkyun sighs and looks at the elder. Even though he didn’t want to be around people right now, he felt bad for leaving the elder by himself. Hoon would laugh at how soft he’s become.

“Fine. Let me change and I’ll be right there,”

Hyunwoo beams, “Thanks Kyun! I’ll wait for you out here,”

Changkyun tries to protest and tell the elder that he didn’t need to and that he’s capable of knocking at his door, but for some reason, the shine in Hyunwoo’s eyes stops him from protesting too much and just nodding in agreement.

Hyunwoo looks over at the younger. He didn’t really have a problem eating by himself, after living with six other men, sometimes it’s nice to have alone time. But for some reason, there was something that bothered him and felt like it had something to do with their younger neighbor. He didn’t know what it was but when he heard a thump from next door, Hyunwoo knew that he had to go knocking. But finding a reason as to why he was knocking was a little harder.

Thankfully Changkyun bought it.

Hyunwoo looks over to see Changkyun just sitting silently on the kitchen table while he ate. He never liked eating while his company didn’t but he didn’t want to shove food in the younger’s mouth, he already felt like he was intruding his time. He’s never been one for small talk either, since the rest of his friends usually carried the conversation. He was more the filler when it came to conversations, never the carrier. Now, with Changkyun though, he felt like he had to carry it.

“You sure you don’t want anything to eat?”

Changkyun shakes his head no.

Hyunwoo hums, “I have cake! Or some churros! And some cookies!”

Changkyun stays silent.

Hyunwoo furrows his eyebrows, not knowing what else to say. Great, he really was an awkward, robotic bear. He never found silence uncomfortable and he was hoping that Changkyun didn’t either. Changkyun was still staring at the table when Hyunwoo pulls out his phone, and sees that his mother sent him a picture of her and his father, drinking milkshakes as their date for the week. They always told Hyunwoo that dates always revived the marriage, and vowed to each other to have at least one every week. He smiles and sends them the heart emoji that Minhyuk taught him a couple of weeks ago. Hyunwoo gets up, his appetite already gone and fetches his keys. He still finds Changkyun the same way as if he didn’t even know that Hyunwoo had left the room. He clears his throat. Changkyun finally looks up at him.

“Come on,” Hyunwoo softly grabs his arm to guide him towards the door.

Changkyun didn’t have time to protest before he finds himself in Hyunwoo’s car. He wanted to ask where they were going but he still didn’t feel like talking and continues to stare outside the window. Before he knows it, they were pulling up at a drive-thru and Changkyun tunes the elder out. Hyunwoo hands him something to drink, and Changkyun looks up at the elder who just smiles and keeps on pushing the drink to his hands until he accepted it.

“I wanted regular food but it felt weird to be the only one eating and you just sitting there,” Hyunwoo sighs, “I don’t know what’s wrong but I know something’s wrong. And while you don’t know me very well and I don’t blame you for not wanting to talk to me, I just hope that my company at least helps you out,”

Changkyun looks down to see that the drink wasn’t a soda like he thought. He sipped it and tears started to fall. It was a chocolate milkshake. He hasn’t had one since Hoon had died. He didn’t know how Hyunwoo somehow knew, or if he was weirdly telepathic, but the fact that Hyunwoo didn’t fuss over his tears and kept on talking as if nothing was wrong, Changkyun appreciated it.

“My parents always bought me milkshakes whenever I didn’t feel like talking, you know?” Hyunwoo laughs, “At first I didn’t know why. But my mom told me that on their first date, it wasn’t going really well and she was about to dump my dad. Then he took her to his favorite milkshake stand and that was her turning point,”

Changkyun sips his milkshake and wipes his tears away. He finds that they were still sitting in the park, parked in the parking lot of the drive-thru. Hyunwoo continues, “I don’t know what’s wrong and you don’t… have to say anything,” he sighs, “but I hope the milkshake does for you like it does for me,”

Changkyun looks up to see Hyunwoo smiling. He reminded Changkyun of the color blue. Calm and peaceful, strong and reliable. And while he may be subdued most of the time, he still projected reliability within him without asking for attention. He reminded him of Hoon. And for the first time in a very long time since his brother’s death, Changkyun actually felt himself smiling on a Wednesday.

After that day, Changkyun finds his neighbors checking up on him more often, not knowing if Hyunwoo told them about his tearful night or not, but either way, Changkyun couldn’t find it in himself to be annoyed. But he still had a plan to execute. Instead of going through with the hanging, he goes to the pills instead. He already had a bottle full of sleeping pills when they were prescribed to him at the time he had trouble sleeping years ago. He looks at the bottle and sees that they’ve already expired, five years ago. Changkyun shrugs, figuring that they still worked either way, just amp up the dose.

Changkyun tries again on the upcoming Wednesday, in the bathroom this time instead of the living room. He figures if there’s a mess, the bathroom could handle it since it was tiled anyway. What that had to do with it, he didn’t know. He just knew that he didn’t like tiles very much even if it made the most sense for a bathroom. Changkyun readies the pills and instead of having a last meal and all that, he’s baked another set of his brother’s cookies and eats all of them in one setting. If his stomach argued against it, he didn’t listen. He takes a couple of pills in his left hand, with a water on standby. He looks at himself once more in the mirror, this time dressed in slacks and another dressy shirt like before and nods in approval. As the pills get closer to his mouth, he hears incessant knocking on the door, startling him enough, that he knocks over the whole bottle _into_ the fucking toilet, while the ones in his hands fall in the sink. Changkyun lets out a scream and bangs his head on the sink and marches to the door just to see what was so damn important, it couldn’t wait.

Changkyun opens the door with gusto, “ _What”_

Minhyuk looks bewildered at the volume that Changkyun had just projected. He was almost scared, but he didn’t have time to be scared right now. Jooheon needed him.

“Do you have a first aid kit?”

Changkyun massages his temple, “You…what?”

“A first aid kit,”

Changkyun sighs, “Y—yeah, let me just…” he turns around and leaves the door open and goes to his bathroom, where he was supposed to be _lying_ peacefully and on his way to meet his brother if he hadn’t been bothered.

Apparently Minhyuk takes that as an invite to come inside his house, following the younger closely, “Are you going somewhere?”

Changkyun shakes his head no.

“Why so dressed up then?”

“Just felt like it,” Changkyun mumbled.

Minhyuk hums, “Sorry to rain on your parade. Joobs and I were making a YouTube channel and we decided to cook, title it ‘Idiots Who Try to Cook’,” he sighs as he follows Changkyun around his house, “and so he was cutting stuff, but ended up cutting himself instead because he was too preoccupied in watching the angle on the laptop instead of paying attention to the knife, you know?”

Changkyun just nods and after finally finding the kit, hands it over to Minhyuk, who’s attention was diverted to the toilet bowl, that still contained his pills. Changkyun hurries to flush it and hopes that his neighbor doesn’t ask any questions. Minhyuk looks like he wants to ask, but one look at Changkyun and he resigns himself to go back to his house. Before he could leave completely, he asks, “Do you wanna play some games with us?”

Changkyun stays silent, trying to figure out what the point was. Was he that pitiful that he needed watching all the time? Did his face just suddenly scream ‘help me’?

“Our YouTube channel was already moot and Joobs and I were just gonna play games since the rest of the house isn’t home,” he motions towards his apartment, “whaddaya say?”

Changkyun resigns himself and just nods.

“Hyung! What the hell took you so long?!” Jooheon says who doesn’t seem to notice Changkyun behind Minhyuk because he was too focused on the blood that was gushing out of his finger. It didn’t look too deep if Changkyun was being honest, but just seeing Jooheon right now, he could tell that the older wasn’t very fond of blood.

“Sorry Heon, I was trying to convince Kyun to play with us,” Minhyuk goes over to Jooheon who finally looks up to see Changkyun. He smiles weakly as Changkyun just nods over to him.

“Hey Kyun. Sorry our stupidity made you miss whatever you were doing,”

 _You have no idea,_ Changkyun thought bitterly.

“Kihyun usually has a first aid kit around the house, but he went on a cleaning spree last week and moved _everything_ and we can’t find shit anywhere,” Minhyuk said as he tends to Jooheon’s finger. Changkyun takes a seat on their sofa, spacing out on not only messing up once but _twice._ It was like the world was mocking him for being so lousy at dying.

Jooheon checks on their guest, who was currently staring at the blank tv in the living room and looks back at Minhyuk, “Hyung, he doesn’t look too happy,”

Minhyuk shakes his head, “I know, but it was a legit reason. You cut your finger and we couldn’t find the first aid kit,”

“Yeah, but it wasn’t life or death you know?”

Minhyuk sighs, “Hyunwoo hyung said that Changkyun gets a little weird on Wednesdays and Hyungwon said that his brother usually visits on that day, but the past few weeks, I haven’t seen anyone visit,”

“I haven’t either. And Hyunwoo hyung was kind of vague about what happened last week, but he looked bothered,” Jooheon shakes his head, “and Hyunwoo hyung is never bothered,”

Minhyuk nods. When Hyunwoo came back last Wednesday, he went straight to his room, not talking to anybody. The next day he told the rest of them that he was out with Changkyun and asked to look after him whenever they can, especially on Wednesdays. Hyungwon had asked why Wednesdays but Hyunwoo didn’t have an answer. He just vaguely said that he was watching how Changkyun was ever since that time he graded their cake and noticed that the younger always stayed home on that day and never left his house. It had made everyone feel a little uneasy.

Usually Minhyuk liked to talk it out, but Hyungwon’s earlier remarks about how not everybody was that way, made him stop and think on how to approach the much quieter younger.

Changkyun continues to stare into a space of nothing as Jooheon talks to him in sentences that doesn’t seem to quite make sense. Unlike Hyunwoo, Jooheon talks a lot, enough for two people and usually Changkyun would be annoyed, but like he is with Minhyuk, he couldn’t find it himself to be that way. He’s always admired people who talked that much and could say what was on their mind since he was the opposite. He could tell why Minhyuk and Jooheon always got along with each other. Where Minhyuk was orange, Jooheon was yellow, and mixed together, would be the colors of a really beautiful sunset.

Jooheon had an effervescent energy that Changkyun saw as something different that he’s never come across before. Even with his looks, Changkyun couldn’t figure out how a smile could change someone’s appearance so much. Without it, Jooheon looked cold and scary but once he smiles and those dimples come out, he was possibly the cutest guy Changkyun has ever met. Hoon would’ve loved him.

Even with Changkyun being a space cadet, Jooheon never seem to stop talking, as if he was scared that once he does, Changkyun would just fall apart. And maybe he would. Just like he enjoyed Hyunwoo’s silence and wisdom that other night, tonight he enjoyed Jooheon’s and Minhyuk’s chaotic energy that somehow eased him into thinking that he wasn’t falling apart.

* * *

The other four come home to find Jooheon and Changkyun asleep on the couch, with Minhyuk tapping aggressively on his computer. Hoseok smiles at the two sleeping kids and tries to not scare Minhyuk, knowing that the last time he took Minhyuk’s headphones off, he screamed so loud that the neighbor called the police for noise disturbance. Instead Hoseok texts the man who was only a couple of feet away and sees him check his phone, pause the game, and turn around.

“You just got home?” He whispers.

Hyungwon nods, “What’s up with them?” And points at the sleeping figures on the sofa.

Minhyuk smiles. He remembered Jooheon talking about his two cats, and how he liked to treat them like his daughters. He talked about his family and his younger brother who was currently living abroad and is probably homesick for his mom’s cooking. He talked about how he tries to go home at least once a month because his mom gets a little sad about not having her two boys at home anymore. Changkyun stayed silent through all the ramblings, slowly slipping into dreamland and the other two didn’t have the heart to tell him to go back to his apartment, liking the way that the younger stays silent to listen to their stories.

As Jooheon and Minhyuk continue to play games they feel Changkyun move and thrash around on the sofa. Jooheon tries to wake him up, but the younger had been sweating as if he was having a nightmare. He was mainly mumbling and the two couldn’t decipher what he was talking about, but they figured it wasn’t their business to eavesdrop and that the least they could do was to appease Changkyun and hope that the nightmare goes away.

“Hoonie hyung,” Changkyun whimpers.

Jooheon looks at Minhyuk and mouths, ‘Hoonie?’ as Minhyuk shakes his head and mouths back, ‘brother?’

Minhyuk tries to call the younger by shaking his shoulders, but he wouldn’t wake up. As he was about to give up, Changkyun takes Minhyuk’s hands in his and they notice that he has been crying.

“Hyung don’t leave me,” Changkyun’s tears were spilling out of his eyes and both were surprised that the younger didn’t wake up at the wetness of his face and about the new information about the unknown brother who supposedly visited every Wednesday but hasn’t showed the last few weeks.

Minhyuk tries to calm him down, “It’ll be okay, Changkyunah. We’re right here, you’ll be alright,” and tries to pat his head softly, feeling the younger calm down and fall back to sleep.

They relocate to one of the bedrooms as Minhyuk shares his newfound information. Hyunwoo just nods as if trying to take it all in, while Kihyun looks like he’s in deep thought.

“Should we ask the neighbors why his brother stopped visiting?” Hoseok said.

Hyungwon shakes his head, “I’m dying of curiosity but I feel like that’s a little bit uncalled for,”

Hyunwoo hums in agreement, “Yeah. I think we need to wait for Changkyun to actually tell us himself. He might feel a little betrayed if we go around asking other people about his business,”

Hoseok look at the exasperatedly, “But if he doesn’t tell us, we don’t know how to help him,”

“He might not want the help Hoseokah,”

Hoseok grunts as Minhyuk tries to alleviate the situation, “We just have to have him trust us, hyung. Hyunwoo hyung is right, it’s none of our business, and even though we really want to know what happened, we can’t just force it out of him. He would just shrink back to his shell, you know?”

The rest of them agree, but Kihyun’s been a little silent during this whole exchange. Minhyuk looks at his friend who’s currently staring down at the floor. He nudges him, as if asking what was wrong.

Kihyun looks around to find four sets of eyes turned to him, which was four sets too many. He remembered going downstairs a couple of days ago, throwing away the trash since it was his turn to do so. He didn’t mean to eavesdrop, it was just that the neighboring ladies were really loud when it comes to talking to each other.

“Did you hear about Changkyun’s brother?” One of the lady had said.

“Yeah, poor kid. My heart breaks for him,” her other friend, who was with her at the time answers.

“Yeah, Hoon was a nice man. Always helped me with groceries whenever he was over,”

Her friend nods, “Yeah, those two were one of a kind. I haven’t talked to the kid but I’m sure he’s devastated,”

The lady shakes her head, “Those stupid drivers. This is why I tell my kids to never drive sleepy or drunk, because this shit could happen,”

“It wasn’t his fault though. I heard the truck driver got Hoon first because he ran a red light to try and get to his destination faster,” with that the two ladies walk away and Kihyun’s heart becomes heavier.

As Kihyun shares this with the other four, Minhyuk’s eyes have become glossy with tears, and Hoseok looks like he’s close himself as well. Hyunwoo nods, “We can’t let him know that we know,”

Hyungwon looks at him, “I understand but we can’t keep it from him either, hyung. He’d feel betrayed or pitied if we do,”

“What I don’t get is why he’s like this every Wednesday,”

Hyungwon suddenly gasps, “I remember they said that his brother always came by once a week. On Wednesdays. Maybe that’s why he’s like that every time,”

“Makes sense… and to think that he must’ve been going through this alone,”

Minhyuk finally stops sniffling, “What about his parents?”

Hyunwoo shakes his head, “I heard it was just him and his brother,”

“And now it’s just him,”

They go back to the living room to find a peaceful Changkyun who seems to be carrying a lot with his shoulder, alone. Hyunwoo goes to caress his head and finds that Changkyun seems to move to his hand, smiling a little at the affection. Hyunwoo smiles in return and hopes that one day, he would open up to them and let them in to his life.

Changkyun wakes up to unfamiliar territory. His alarm wasn’t blaring, the room didn’t look like his, and he felt something tickling his neck. He slowly turns to find Minhyuk’s head on his shoulders and his arms spread across his waist. He tries to pry it off of him without waking him up but Minhyuk hugs him tighter, if that was even possible. Someone laughs and Changkyun looks up to see Kihyun, holding a mug with his hand.

Changkyun looks at him and pleads for help. Kihyun rolls his eyes and helps move Changkyun away from Minhyuk’s grip, replacing Changkyun with a plushie. Changkyun lets out a breath as Kihyun urges him to join him at the table.

“What time is it?”

“4am”

Changkyun looks the elder, “Why aren’t you asleep?”

Kihyun shrugs, “I fell asleep earlier and woke up to pee, couldn’t go back. That’s why I’m drinking some tea… it usually helps me out,”

Kihyun looks at him as Changkyun just stares right back, feeling a little sheepish for sleeping over without asking. He looks back to the couch to see that Minhyuk and Jooheon had lumped on the couch with him, except that Jooheon was sleeping on the floor while Minhyuk must have joined Changkyun on the couch.

“How long have I been asleep?”

Kihyun hums, “We got home around 10pm and you were already asleep, so I’m guessing since 930?”

Changkyun nods as Kihyun hands him tea as if he had asked for it.

“Did I say anything weird?” Changkyun asked.

“Weird, how?”

“Like mumbled in my sleep?”

Kihyun takes a deep breath, not knowing whether he should tell him the truth or not.

“It’s okay if I did, hyung,”

Kihyun looks away, “Minhyuk said you asked for your hyung to not leave you,”

Changkyun hums, expecting much to that extent. His dreams were pretty vivid, mainly consisting of his brother leaving him without looking back. But unlike the nights before, Changkyun remembers a hand being there to coax him back to sleep and he’s never felt so much ease.

“You probably have a lot of questions,”

Kihyun shakes his head, “Honestly, not really. We’re curious, sure, but we don’t like to pry into other people’s business. It’s up to you to share, not for us to poke around and invade your privacy,”

Changkyun looks at him sadly, “Maybe someday, hyung,”

Changkyun goes back to his apartment and looks at the picture by his bedside. He looks at Hoon and remembers his last plea for him to try to live in color and to not be so stuck in his black and white ways. He never knew how he lived before Hoon, since Hoon was always there, but he didn’t know how to live much after either.

* * *

They were all eating dinner when they hear a scratching on their door, as if someone was trying to insert a key. They weren’t expecting anyone, especially since all six of them were already home. Hoseok even counts the heads just to make sure. Hyunwoo sighs, not seeing any of his friends making a move to see what the commotion was about, and gets up himself. He looks through the peephole and sees nothing, so he shrugs it off and tries to open the door. It wasn’t budging. Hyunwoo frowns, he was pushing the door hard at this point, but it felt like there was something blocking it from the other side. He was about to put his whole strength in pushing the door when he hears a whine from the other side.

Hyunwoo forces the door slightly open and sees a mop of black hair below him, hugging his knees. He shakes the figure from behind, “Changkyunah,”

Nothing.

Hyunwoo calling the name of their neighbor gets the attention from his other friends who are now hovering near Hyunwoo. Hyunwoo gets through the small space to sit in front of Changkyun. He sets his hands on the younger’s arms and tries to shake him awake, but the younger didn’t move at all. Hyunwoo was about to force him to stand up since the floor was cold when Changkyun suddenly looks up. From his flushed face and smell, Hyunwoo deduced that the younger had been drinking.

He smiles, “What are you doing on the floor, Kyun?”

Changkyun pouts at him, “Mmm keys ran away, hyung”

Hyunwoo hears someone laugh and sees that his friends were listening through the small space of the door, trying not push it abruptly since Changkyun was leaning on it.

“Where did they go?”

Changkyun points to the bottom of the stairs, “Right dur,”

Hyunwoo gets up to fetch the keys and hands them over to the younger, “I see you’ve been drinking. Aren’t you a little young?”

“You just old, hyung,” Changkyun whines.

He laughs, “Yeah, I guess I am. But this isn’t your door, you know?”

“It isn’t?”

Hyunwoo shakes his head

“Why not?”

“Because yours is right there,” Hyunwoo says, pointing at his door.

Changkyun looks up and suddenly laughs. It startles everybody since they’ve never heard the younger laugh so freely before. Come to think of it, they’ve never heard him laugh. _Ever_. The most they’ve gotten out of him was a dimpled smile, so to see him laughing, even though he was drunk at the moment, eased all of them. Hyunwoo grabs his arm, which Changkyun lets him do, “I’ll help you up,”

“Nuh-uh, don’t wanna,” Changkyun kicks his legs out, accidentally kicking Hyunwoo off balance, making him land on his butt. Changkyun giggles and points at the elder, “Hyungie fell!”

Hyunwoo didn’t have to look at his friends to know that they were currently cooing at the cuteness of their neighbor. Instead, he stands up and picks up Changkyun amidst all the protesting, putting his arm around his waist and one of Changkyun’s arm around his neck. Changkyun didn’t want to walk so Hyunwoo basically had to drag him to his own house as he gives Hoseok the keys to open it for them. Without Changkyun leaning against the door anymore, the other five had followed Hyunwoo into the younger’s apartment. They contemplated whether they should leave Changkyun on the couch, but there was no blanket there in case he got cold, so they head to his bedroom, no matter how invasive it might have seemed. Changkyun was passed out at this point so they were thankful for that.

Hyunwoo tucks the younger in as Minhyuk holds up the blanket, pulling it over his shoulders, just in case he got cold and softly pats his head. Hyungwon clears his throat as they all look at him, currently holding a picture that was on Changkyun’s side table.

“That must be his brother,” Minhyuk had whispered as Hyungwon nodded, “He looked young,”

They noticed how proud Changkyun’s brother had looked and how Changkyun was beaming as well.

“Hyung,” Jooheon harshly whispers.

The five men look for their youngest but couldn’t seem to find him in the room. Making sure that Changkyun was peacefully sleeping, they put the picture back and start to file out of the bedroom, one by one. As soon as they enter the living room, they find Jooheon staring at a hook on the ceiling, with a broken rope in his hand. Jooheon had paled at the conclusion that he didn’t want to admit while Hyunwoo’s breath had hitched, Minhyuk was close to tears, Hyungwon’s stare was cold, Kihyun’s hands were shaking, and Hoseok couldn’t look at anywhere but the floor. Hyunwoo turns to look at the bedroom door where Changkyun was currently asleep and he felt saddened at the thought that this was all happening to someone he and his friends cared about, and they were only a few feet away.

Leaving the rope where it was to not gain any suspicion from Changkyun, Hyunwoo and his friends move back to their own apartment, spirit diminished.

“You don’t think he’d—he…he,” Minhyuk couldn’t even finish his sentence, but the rest of them knew what he was trying to say.

They all wanted to say no, but saying it and accepting it were two different things. And while they knew that based on the evidence that they saw, they couldn’t say it outright as it made it a little too real.

Hyunwoo sighs, “I’d like to think he wouldn’t but grief could drive you to do things you’ve never thought of before, Minhyukah,”

“NO!” Jooheon yells, “Don’t say shit like that, hyung. Changkyun may not look happy all the damn time, but there’s no way he—he,” Kihyun goes over to pat his shoulder to calm him down.

“I’m not jumping to conclusions Heon, but we can’t afford not to either,” Hyunwoo said.

Hyungwon nods, “If it’s been to this extent, it must have been really hard on him,”

They were all silent. They couldn’t go back to their dinner after what had happened, losing their appetite over the fact that Changkyun was trying to kill himself. They were only playing with their food at this point and usually Kihyun would scold them for doing so, but right now? He could care less. His mind was preoccupied by Changkyun, who may not say much but who’s eyes, if looked at closer, were crying for help.

As they were all about to head to bed with heavy hearts, Minhyuk asks them to come to the living room. Kihyun was a little confused since they rarely had meetings together, and if they did, it was usually about who didn’t do their chores correctly or if they were falling behind on bills. But Kihyun had a feeling that it didn’t have to do with any of those.

Minhyuk sighs as he sees his friends sit down one by one.

“Remember when I went inside Kyun’s house for a first aid kit?”

Hyungwon quirks his eyebrow, “Yeah, because you and Jooheon decided to be stupid and started making a YouTube channel?”

Minhyuk glares at him, “Shut up. But yeah,”

They all nod.

Minhyuk takes a deep breath, “I remembered that we went to his bathroom because that’s where he kept it I guess. He didn’t really invite me inside but I just followed him, mainly because I was really curious. While he was looking for the kit, I saw that there was a bottle laying on the bathroom floor, empty,” Hyungwon’s breath hitches, “and I thought that it was weird for an empty bottle to be laying there. Then I saw a bunch of white pills in the toilet. Whether he threw them there or not, I don’t know, but I don’t think they were multivitamin pills either,” he looks at his friends, who were all uncharacteristically quiet.

“Let’s just say,” Kihyun gestures at Jooheon to not get mad, “that he is doing what we think he is doing. We know why and I guess we know how. How are we gonna prevent it from happening?”

Hoseok looks up, “Maybe we can ask him to stay with us so we can keep an eye on him,”

Hyungwon shakes his head, “Bad idea. He’d know something’s up. And besides, we all know that he works except on Wednesdays, so he didn’t really need to be watched over everyday,”

“That day was a Wednesday, hyung,” Jooheon softly says.

Hyungwon turns to look at Jooheon in confusion so the younger specifies, “That day? When I cut my hand and Minhyuk hyung saw the pills? It was a Wednesday,”

Hyungwon furrows his eyebrows but before he could say anything, Hyunwoo interrupts him, “Come to think of it, the day I took him out for milkshakes was also a Wednesday,”

Kihyun sighs, “So we know the when too,” he looks up at the ceiling as if willing for the tears to go away and shakes his head, “Why are you doing this, Changkyunah,”

“Like hyung said, grief could make you do the stupidest things,” Hyungwon says.

After staying up way past midnight, they tried to come up with a plan to prevent Changkyun from executing his. At first they thought about having someone at the house every Wednesday to keep the younger occupied. Another plan consisted of them breaking into the house and clogging up the toilet so Changkyun would have no choice but to stay with them. They all had shook their heads on that. After hours of pondering over the best solution, they all concluded that they should start with what they should have done before, when they already knew about Changkyun’s brother. They were going to start with the truth. 

* * *

Changkyun wakes up with a terrible headache. At this rate, his boss was probably going to fire him for not being at the top of his game but he could care less. He looks around to find that he actually made it to his bed even if he was still wearing the same clothes from last night. He sniffs at his shirt and gags at the mixture of smells, ranging from alcohol to smoke. He goes out to his living room after having showered and brushed his teeth, closing the curtains and welcoming the darkness. He was contemplating on how to execute his plan for the _third_ time when he hears someone knocking on the door. Changkyun already knew who it would be as there were only six people who ever knocked on his door. He didn’t want to admit it, but sometimes, he finds himself looking forward to that sound.

With coffee in his hand, Changkyun gets up to open the door, ready to greet whoever was behind it. Jooheon smiles at him, “Uh, hey Kyun. Do you think you could come over for a minute?”

Changkyun looks at his neighbor confusingly. There was something off but his still somewhat drunk brain couldn’t figure it out. If he had paid close enough attention, he would’ve seen that Jooheon’s smile wasn’t as bright as before and instead it teetered between a grimace and a scowl. Changkyun goes inside the house to find not only one, but all six of his neighbors in the living room. He looks around a little confusingly since he’s rarely seen them all home at the same time. Kihyun hands him tea and gestures for him to sit down on the couch.

Changkyun sits down slowly, warily, as if he was in a position to run if something he doesn’t like happens. But he knew that his neighbors didn’t want to harm him, but for some reason, the aspect of letting people in (that wasn’t his brother) scared the shit out of him.

Changkyun waits in the quiet, hoping that one of his neighbors would say something. He hated awkward silences, especially if he was in the middle of it. And right now there six pairs of eyes staring at him, which was six pairs too many.

Changkyun clears his throat, “Um… what’s up, hyung?”

Minhyuk looks around as if he was hiding a secret that he didn’t want people to know but couldn’t wait to spill it. Jooheon was sitting on the floor, quietly fidgeting with his hands. Hyungwon just looked bored. Hoseok and Hyunwoo were biting their lips, while Kihyun just kept looking at everywhere except at him.

Changkyun rolls his eyes, “What is it? I’m really busy and I’d like to get to my day,”

Kihyun sighs, “Remember how you said ‘someday’”?

Changkyun nodded.

“Today’s that day, Kyun,”

Changkyun knew this was coming. With every relationship that he’s had, he knew that it took two to tango or whatever that meant. Hoon told him about it too, how he couldn’t expect his older brother to always give and not receive. In this case, his feelings. Hoon didn’t expect gifts or anything but Changkyun’s trust. To trust him with his thoughts, to trust him to listen, to trust him to understand. And Changkyun knew that Kihyun and the rest were asking for the same thing.

Changkyun looks down to his lap, mumbling, “How much do you know?”

Hyunwoo looks at Kihyun and speaks up this time, “We know about your brother,” Changkyun’s breath hitches, “We know that he’s… passed away. And that you guys were really close. The neighbors said that he visited you every week on Wednesdays,”

Changkyun smiled, “He did,” he chuckles, “It’s kind of dumb but I still wait for his texts every Wednesday, you know? Like he would tell me that I needed to buy the beer since he was going to bring food. Or—or that I needed to stop living like a pig, or—or that I should wear a different color other than black since I work with kids,”

Changkyun was somewhat laughing and he knew that he was spiraling at this point, not caring at who’s in the room. He feels a hand on his and looks up to see that Hyungwon had moved over from the floor to sit next to him.

Hyungwon shakes his head, “It’s not dumb to miss someone Changkyunah… sometimes it’s nice to be missed and I’m sure your brother misses you too,”

The tears were already threatening to spill before he even came to the apartment, but now he knew that he was full on sobbing. He never thought that Hoon would miss him because he was too busy at figuring out what he was feeling. Sure, he missed his brother, the physical aspect of him but what he didn’t know was that he missed the feeling of not being alone. Of having someone in his corner to cheer him on.

“We’re not pushing you to tell us everything, Changkyunah,” Hoseok sighs, “But we’d like to at least know a little bit of what you’re going through… otherwise, we’d never know how to help you,”

Changkyun shakes his head, “I don’t need help, hyung. I’m just grieving. Isn’t that normal for a person when they lose someone?”

“It is normal to be grieving, what’s not normal is for you to wanna die too,” Kihyun says sharply.

Hyungwon’s head whips to his friend and hisses his name, while the others just looked down at their laps, not knowing what to say.

Changkyun frowns, “I don’t know what you’re talking about,”

Kihyun gets up from his seat, “Cut the bull, Changkyun. We took you to your apartment last night… we saw the rope and the hook on the ceiling, Minhyuk,” he points at the said man, “saw the pills in the toilet. While I know that you’re grieving right now, it doesn’t mean that you should waste your life away! Do you think your brother would be happy if he saw you right now?!”

Changkyun stands up, leveling with the elder, forgetting about the tea that was in his hands that was now dropped on the floor, “NO! You don’t fucking know what it feels like to be grieving… to be—to have the one person that you love be ripped away from you without any warning. And if he was here right now, I wouldn’t be doing this shit to myself!” He shakes his head, “I don’t enjoy this, hyung, but I can’t breathe. Everyday is hard just to get up, and I can’t—can’t even look at his picture without bursting to tears! Every Wednesday that rolls around, I look at my phone just to wait for that stupid ding that he messaged me and that he’s on his way, which is pathetic because that was how he died. Everything—I’m just reminded of Hoon and I don’t know how long I can do this shit,”

Changkyun takes a deep breath, his tears now coming harder, “It’s not that easy, hyung. It’s been months but it feels like it was just yesterday. And while Hoon probably hates that I’m doing this to myself… I just want to be with him and get it over with. He was all I had,” his voice cracking at the last sentence.

Kihyun hits his arm, “You idiot! Your brother doesn’t want you to just ‘get it over with’” mocking Changkyun’s tone, “He’d want you to _live_! He’d want you to live the life that he was cut so short of,”

Changkyun rubs his arm, appreciating the playful tone that Kihyun was trying to put up to liven the rather dark atmosphere. He knew that he shouldn’t be doing what he was doing, and deep down he knew that Hoon would be disappointed. If he didn’t know any better, the reason he kept failing at dying was probably because Hoon’s up there somewhere arguing with the higher being to stop Changkyun from being so stupid.

Changkyun slumps back down to the couch in defeat, “I don’t know what else to do, hyung… it hurts and they said it’s supposed to get better, but I don’t feel it get better,”

Hyunwoo pats his head, “It’s not supposed to get better, Kyun,” Changkyun looks up, “You’ll always hurt because he left, but over time, you’ll start to forget the pain and start to remember the memories that he left with you. And instead of sadness or numbness, you’ll feel happiness and relief… but there’s no timeline because there will be some days that it’ll suck and you’ll end up crying, but the difference from before is that you’re not alone and we’re here to tell you that it will be okay,”

_It will be okay_

_The right people will come along_

Changkyun remembered his brother always telling him that it will be okay even if it seemed like the whole world was against him. He always assured him when he was younger that while many of his classmates didn’t get him that the right people will, in due time. Changkyun was so busy looking back that he wasn’t looking at what was in front of him this whole time, friends and people who cared for him. The elderly neighbors didn’t talk to him daily, but they always asked how he was doing and if he’s eaten anytime he bumped into them on the elevator. The kids at work who always tried to cheer him up because ‘he was looking sadder these days’. And his neighbors, if put together, reminded Changkyun of Hoon, with all the colors and shades that they embodied.

Jooheon pats his leg, “Look, we’re not saying for you to open up right away… but we’d like to get to know you, you know? You’re a really cool kid, a little weird, but normalcy is overrated anyway,”

Minhyuk laughs and slaps his arm, “Idiot… way to make him feel better,”

Jooheon pouts, “It’s true. All the normal people kind of freak me out. And what the hell is even considered normal nowadays, anyway?”

Jooheon and Minhyuk continue to figure out what is the meaning of normal when Hyungwon squeezes his hand, “What we’re trying to say is that when it gets too hard, you can always come over, instead of dealing with it alone. We know that you tend to…um, spiral on Wednesdays, so if it makes you feel better, you can always come over and we’ll distract you or something. Minhyuk can talk for hours and you wouldn’t even notice that the sun went down,”

“Yah!” Minhyuk yells.

Changkyun laughs a little, “Aren’t you guys working?”

Hyunwoo shakes his head, “Some of us are but Jooheon and Minhyuk work from home. Joo is a songwriter and Min is an artist,”

“I don’t wanna be a burden, hyung,”

Kihyun slaps his arm and points at him, “Shut up. You’re not a burden. And I swear to God, if I see you doing something funny, I will slap you upside the head until you get it to your brain that you’re being stupid,”

Changkyun smiles. Hoon used to say that Changkyun’s thoughts were being stupid again and that he would gladly pinch him until they went away. Throughout this whole conversation, Kihyun was the first one to call him out on his bullshit, much like how Hoon used to. Kihyun was fiery, a little scary, but behind all those menacing words was a caring person. He reminded Changkyun of red. And while he could be a little overwhelming at first, Kihyun was passionate, whether it be about cooking or about caring for his friends. He was overwhelmingly energetic when it came to something he cared about.

Hyunwoo gets up, “Alright we’ve been too serious for too long. Who wants a milkshake?”

Jooheon’s and Minhyuk’s hands go up as Hoseok starts to bounce up and down. Changkyun kind of laughed, they were all just like kids. Everyone turns to look at Changkyun, not believing that the younger was actually laughing. It made them smile and hope that from now on, it would get better.

* * *

“Hyung,”

Hyunwoo hums and looks at him. They were just sitting on a bench by a park nearby while the other five were still ordering their drinks, with Hyunwoo’s card on hand.

“Why milkshakes?”

Hyunwoo smiled, “I think I told you that my parents met that way, but it was also their bribery to get me to talk,”

“Huh?”

“I mean I’m sure you can tell that I don’t talk much. Minhyuk and Jooheon does it for the rest of us,” Changkyun laughs, “But when I was younger, I kept a lot of my thoughts inside and exploded once a year… it wasn’t healthy and I’ve gotten better now. And while my mom didn’t have much patience, my dad always took me to the nearby milkshake stand to buy me one and wait until I was ready to talk,”

Hyunwoo shakes his head, “My dad always said that if it worked on my mom, it should work on me, since we were so similar,”

Changkyun nods, “My hyung… he—he always got me one whenever I got into a fight at school. Well I didn’t fight, but people kind of just did. I try to be a pacifist since hyung was that way,”

“Why did they fight you?”

Changkyun shrugged, “Hoonie hyung said it was because they just didn’t get me. And I like to stay quiet and won’t talk to a person I don’t know. I’ve gotten a little better at talking since I work with kids, but back then I was practically mute… except when it came to Hoon,”

Hyunwoo snorts, “Changkyunah, I hate to say this… but you still don’t talk that much,”

Changkyun pushes him away playfully and because Hyunwoo’s build was much bigger than his, the elder didn’t even budge, but Changkyun did.

“You’re one to talk, hyung,”

Hyunwoo shrugs, “Eh, I’ve accepted it. All my friends have too, so I’m not worried,”

Changkyun smiles as Minhyuk joins them, hooking his arm around Changkyun’s neck, “It’s such a pretty day, eh?”

“It’s night, hyung,”

“Such a pretty day!”

Changkyun shakes his head and just agrees that it was indeed a pretty day.

* * *

To say that things got a little better after the heart to heart Changkyun had with his neighbors would be an understatement. Granted, he still had his moments, most of them being on Wednesdays, but unlike before, he had six older brothers that were right next door that could distract him from spiraling. Changkyun sleeps over every weekend and works throughout the rest of the week. He still took Wednesdays off and like Hyunwoo had said, Minhyuk and Jooheon were always home and didn’t mind playing with the younger or distracting him with their bickering when Changkyun’s emotions got the best of him. Little by little, he was able to look back at his brother’s stuff in the storage, including at the picture on his bedside table. And while Changkyun still cried over the loss of his older brother, dying didn’t cross his mind as often as it did before.

The six guys still checked on him every time he was home. Whether it was because of anxiety or worry, Changkyun never figured it out, but he was thankful nonetheless. He took out the hook on the ceiling and even got new furniture to help brighten out his space, with the help of Kihyun. He bought an extra mattress for when one of the hyungs next door wanted a break from their regular house and sleep in a quieter place for once. Most of the time, it was for Hyunwoo since he comes over more often. Other times it was Hyungwon, since he said the other five were always too noisy. Kihyun makes him eat dinner with them every night, even packing Changkyun some leftovers for lunch the next day. The others laughed and joked that Kihyun was basically his mom at this point. They didn’t know but Changkyun had teared up the first time Kihyun shoved leftovers in his arms so he had lunch the next day. Hoon did that whenever he had time to come over on the weekend. He always cooked enough for an army, froze a lot of leftovers so Changkyun didn’t have to eat too unhealthily since his diet mainly consisted of frozen meals or fast food.

They all took care of Changkyun in their own ways. Hyunwoo through his silence and patience, Hoseok through his easy smiles and bone-crushing hugs, Minhyuk through his distracting chatter and need for attention, Hyungwon through his cuddling and easy going attitude, Kihyun through his nagging and tasty food, and Jooheon through his understanding and loving gaze. Even though his life wasn’t fairly easy after Hoon, he knows that having six meddling neighbors makes it somewhat easier. Slowly, Changkyun starts to find his way to live.

“Kyun! We’re getting shakes!” Hoseok was banging on his door even though all of them had a spare key to Changkyun’s place.

Changkyun rushes to open the door to find a flushed Hoseok on the other side while their apartment door shows Minhyuk chasing Jooheon with a fake snake and Hyungwon just standing to the side, with his back to Changkyun but probably smiling.

Changkyun smiles, “Hey hyung,”

“Hey! Did you hear me?”

Changkyun nodded, “Hyunwoo hyung put it on my calendar. And Jooheon hyung reminded me on the group chat,”

“Oh good, good!”

Hoseok continues to stare at Changkyun, smiling and not saying anything.

“Um… anything else, hyung?”

Hoseok shakes his head, “No no… I’m waiting for someone to take the fake snake off of Minhyuk so I can go back. I’m scared of it too,”

Changkyun chuckles, “It’s fake, hyung,”

“I know, but still… what if it comes to life?” Hoseok whispers.

“Unless Minhyuk hyung is a descendant of Harry Potter, I doubt it,”

Hyungwon comes over and puts his arm around Hoseok, “Yeah hyung. Minhyuk’s more of a muggle if you ask me,” he looks over his shoulder, “an ugly one, too,”

Hoseok pouts and before he says something to Hyungwon, Hyunwoo is coming up the stairs. Hoseok goes over to his friend and hides behind him as Hyunwoo just shakes his head, not bothering for an explanation and just nods at Changkyun, “We’ll leave in ten minutes, okay?”

The bench was a familiar sight for both Changkyun’s eyes and butt now. They made it an outing at least once a week to go to the milkshake stand, even most of the employees knew their orders by heart. Changkyun feels someone sit next to him, and unlike many times before, it wasn’t Hyunwoo but Hyungwon.

Changkyun smiles, “Wow Hyunwoo hyung, you lost some weight,”

Hyungwon shoves him playfully, “Shut up, brat”

Changkyun laughs and looks out to the park where the rest of the five where playing around. Minhyuk was still chasing Jooheon with the fake snake but now, Hoseok was also a victim while Kihyun was on his phone and Hyunwoo was laying down. How he could sleep with all that noise was something Changkyun could never understand.

“You okay, Kyun?”

Changkyun looks at Hyungwon, “Yeah hyung. Why?”

Hyungwon shakes his head, “Just wanted to make sure,”

“You kind of remind me of ivory, hyung,”

Hyungwon frowns, “Umm… isn’t that what the tusk of an elephant is made of?”

Changkyun cackles, “Yes, but that’s not what I meant. I was talking about the color,”

“Ohhhhhh,” Hyungwon scratches the back of his neck, “thank you?”

“My hyung, Hoon, always color-associated people. To him, I was black and white and to me, he was like the rainbow. It became a habit to associate people with color based on their personality and aura,”

Hyungwon smiles, “And my color’s ivory?”

“Yep,” letting the p sound pop.

Hyungwon pouts, “Is that a good thing or are you kind of insulting me in your secret language?”

Changkyun laughs, “It’s a good thing,” he shakes his head, “You know I didn’t think you liked me at first very much, but now, I think you were just that way. Quiet and observant, yet warm and pure… well, somewhat pure,”

Hyungwon shoves the younger playfully.

“Alright, alright. You also seem like you have a lot of stories or that you’ve seen a lot of shit behind those eyes—”

“Yah, is that your way of saying I’m old?”

“No. Well… yes—“

“You’re a brat,”

Changkyun smiles, “I know. But the first time I met you, you always had a sense of elegance and history, like you’ve seen some shit from your past… it reminds me of ivory, unlike white that looks really clean and pure, ivory isn’t. It’s what makes it stand out, ”

“That’s the nicest compliment I’ve ever gotten, Kyun,”

“Well, I do have my way with words, you know?”

Hyungwon shoves him again, only this time Changkyun tumbles to the ground as Hyungwon runs away. Changkyun chases him but because of his stamina, he doesn’t get very far and gives up, and lays down next to Hyunwoo on the mat instead.

Changkyun looks up at the stars and listens to the laughter around him. Ever since Hoon had died, Changkyun always felt alone and it was the main reason he’s wanted to end it all. Now, however, hearing the laughter around him and feeling the warmth of a body laying next him, he’s never felt happier. Even though the others have known each other their whole life and only known Changkyun for a little less than a year, they’ve never left him out, always providing back stories whenever he felt out of the loop especially when they were reminiscing about a past memory. Now, he knew that he wasn’t alone, he never was. And while Hoon may not be with him anymore, he sees a little bit of him in every one of his six neighbors, who have become his somewhat adopted band of brothers. All those years ago when kids would fight Changkyun because of his weirdness seem moot now because like Hoon had said, he was able to meet people that not only understood him, but also liked him for being a little different.

Hoon always told him that he was a man of black and white and while his rainbow might’ve dimmed for a little bit when Hoon had died, he now sees that with these six people on his corner, their different shades and hues that somehow meld together, they became the color that Changkyun once knew. And as he laid down on the mat, with the wind blowing and laughter emitting from everywhere, he was trying to fulfill the promise his brother had asked before he died, to live in color.

**Author's Note:**

> There aren't enough platonic stories that has Changkyun and all the members out there and I've always wanted to write one that wasn't mainly No Mercy driven since I refuse to watch it, but instead something that was somewhat relatable. Grieving is a weird emotion, some take too much time reliving what could have been while others take no time at all. I'd like to say that everyone has a story that not only matters to them but matters to the people around them as well and even though you may feel like no one cares, there's always someone out there who does and sees you differently than how you see yourself. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the story, kudos and comments are welcomed. Please stay safe out there.


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